Must abuse beget abuse?

In Parshat Miketz, Jacob advises his sons on how to reset a struggling relationship

In last week’s parsha, Joseph was thrown into into a pit by his brothers then sold into slavery. He ended up as the chief servant in the house of the rich man Potiphar but was then falsely accused of sexual assault by Potiphar’s wife. For this he was imprisoned. There he interpreted the dreams of Pharaoh’s chief baker and cupbearer with stunning accuracy.

In this week’s parsha (Miketz) two years have passed since Joseph’s imprisonment. Pharoah has two disturbing dreams that no one can interpret. The cupbearer remembers Joseph and tells of how he interpreted their dreams. Joseph is summoned from jail, quickly cleaned up and presented to Pharoah. Joseph interprets the dreams, suggests how to cleverly take advantage of their forecast of fertility followed by famine, and is immediately promoted to serve as Pharaoh’s chief minister.

Joseph now administers Egypt’s entire food distribution system at a time when its grain surpluses are attracting hordes of the hungry, starving in a regional famine.

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Among those journeying to Egypt to purchase food are Jacob’s sons. The brothers appear before Joseph. He recognizes them immediately. But Joseph is so physically transformed, and the brothers so stuck in their vision of the teenager they sold into slavery 13 years before, that they never suspect who they are bowing to.

Who in this situation wouldn’t be tempted to serve a fat cold meatball sub of revenge? Joseph speaks to his brothers roughly and accuses them of being spies. Seeking sympathy, they tell him the story of their poor father, left behind with their remaining brother, young Benjamin. Joseph insists they are spies and demands that they go back to Canaan and bring Benjamin to him to prove they are honest. He throws them in jail for three days. On the third day he announces that they may leave but must leave their brother Shimon behind as hostage until they return with Benjamin. (Curious side note: Rashi sees Joseph’s selection of Shimon to imprison as yet another of his shrewd moves. Knowing what Shimon and Levi were capable of from their revenge killing of all the men of Shechem after the rape of Dinah, Joseph decided to take a key player off the field.)

The brothers are panicked, imagining how Jacob will react to this news. And indeed upon their return, when they tell their father that Shimon has been taken hostage to get at Benjamin, Jacob despairs at the thought of losing the other son of his beloved Rachel:

Yaakov their father said to them:
Me you have bereaved!
Yosef is no more,
Shim’on is no more,
and Binyamin you would take away—
to me has all this happened!

Jacob refuses to allow them to return to Egypt.

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But the famine continues and Jacob has no choice but to ask his sons to return to Egypt to get more food. Judah, the leader of the brothers (though as always in Genesis, not the oldest), reminds Jacob of the Minister’s order to not come back without Benjamin and says, “If you do not wish to send Benjamin, we will not go down.” Jacob refuses to budge but after Judah promises to take responsibility for Benjamin’s safe return, he relents. Then Jacob gives this instruction:

If it must be so, then, do this: 
take some of the produce of the land in your vessels 
and bring them down to the man as a gift: 
a little balsam, a little honey, balm and ladanum, pistachio nuts and almonds.

And as for your brother, take him! 

Arise, return to the man, 
and may El Shaddai give you mercy before the man, 
so that he releases your other brother to you, 
and Binyamin as well. 
And as for me—if I must be bereaved, I must be bereaved!

Why does Jacob suggest a seemingly paltry offering of “a little balsam, a little honey, balm and ladanum, pistachio nuts and almonds”? How will a gift basket placate the anger of the Pharaoh’s chief minister?

The Slonimer Rebbe¹ teaches that the key to this passage is in Jacob’s reference to God with the relatively uncommon name of El Shaddai. To understand, it helps to focus on the second syllable (pronounced “dye”), which means “enough.” (That’s the first syllable of “Dayenu”, the key word of the Passover song that tells God that each of the many miracles performed for us, standing alone, would have been enough.)

Hearing of the Minister’s cruelty to his sons, Jacob wondered what they might have done to provoke it. The Slonimer says that by invoking Shaddai, Jacob was saying to his sons, “Enough!”² Unless the sons took a step to bring this battle to a halt, it would continue. And in a power struggle against the all-powerful Egyptian minister, they would not win.

So Jacob suggests a re-set of relations. A little offering to change things. Just a little balm, a little honey.

Vot could it hurt?

We can be such reactive beings. Cruelty can induce cruelty. But it is within our power to break the cycle. The Slonimer reminds us that with a little awareness of our reactivity we can interrupt this dynamic and, if we can muster it, offer a small kindness that can flip the script.

My thanks to Rabbi Jonathan Slater and Rabbi Miriam Margles for lifting up this teaching.

Shavuah tov, 
Rich

Davar Acher

1. Since I could not find any songs featuring laudanum or pistachios, let’s do honey:

2. There is ample research backing the Slonimer’s teaching. Acts of kindness ripple out with profound effects on others and on the self. This article briefly explores the topic.

1. Rabbi Sholom Noach Berezovsky (1911-2000), a Chassidic Rebbe of the Slonim dynasty, was born in Belarus and died in Israel. He’s best known for his collected teachings on the Torah portions and the holidays, known as the Netivot Shalom. He also published the discourses of the prior Slonimer Rebbes, who had not committed their work to writing. There are, therefore, several Slonimer Rebbes. But because of his prodigious output, Reb Sholom Noach is referred to by some as “The Slonimer Rebbe.”

2. Another proposed etymology of Shaddai, that it shares the word root for “breast”, also hints at offering nurture as an effective response to hostility.